Friday 8 July 2016

Healing

How long does it take for a wound to become an annoying, picked at scab before it becomes healed and then turns into a strangely treasured scar?

Healing 8.07

Did you really think I would just walk away? I was trying to persuade myself I would but didn't do a very good job, it's just not in my nature and the wound would have become deeper if I had done so, I would then have been filled with guilt and torment about letting someone down.

The best healer of emotional wounds is honesty. 

I'm hopeless at hiding my mood, never have been able to. Trying to pretend that all was light and sunny this morning just wasn't convincing. Marit sensed this and apologised. I'm sorry if I've offended you, she says. I say yes, thank you. We are clearing the breakfast things. I never can cope with emotional  responses in the moment, I need to take thinking time. I say, I don't know where I am, one minute I have five days to choose when to work and when to have off but the next you tell me you lied and that I must be here for guests. It's hard. 

We strip sheets from the beds and replace soap and towels but say no more. It is time for her to leave, she tells me there are two couples arriving for one night on Monday. It is bed and breakfast only. My torment about just upping and leaving has started, what if she doesn't get my text or Facebook message, what if one of her family can't do it, what if the poor guests turn up and there's no one here. It's both the guests and her budding business I care about. I can't do it. I decide I can stay one more night, welcome the guests, feed them and then go.

We are in the car on the way to the ferry. We have been play acting that everything is fine. She begins to tell me the date when she will come back. I surprise myself by saying, I won't be here, I am leaving. I will look after your guests but then I am leaving. She looks at me, surprised, leaving, she asks. Why are you leaving?

I tell her everything. I tell her I don't know where I am and I can't trust her and I tell her that yesterday, when she admitted she had lied, it was the last straw. I explain again, about the importance of being able to plan trips away, that her not letting me do so, is destructive. I say that I have come to the Faroe Islands expecting to find some peace and instead I am sleeping by a busy main road. I tell her I need to be able to make plans for my time off. 

I remind her that last weekend she told me at 10:45 PM on Friday, that I could have Saturday off but that she needed me on Sunday. On Saturday evening she decided I could have Sunday off too so I had lost a whole weekend. I could have been away, somewhere else.

I tell her that moving into the hostel this morning, out of her house, the act of walking down the road with my belongings felt like freedom. I tell her it feels as though I have been trapped, that many things I have done are wrong, that when I ask something, instead of telling me or showing me she tuts and does it herself. I tell her i find that hard. I've become emotional. She accepts it all, says I am right , says that when she is under pressure she knows she becomes chop chop sharp sharp and that's the way she is. She says we haven't even talked for one evening have we and I agree. 

I have never have been able to hold my feelings in. She says please please please I'm so sorry, don't go, I've pushed you too hard you are exhausted,rest and think on it, you must stay just a little longer. I tell her I am emotionally exhausted not physically. She says I have done so much, worked so hard, helped her, that she couldn't have done it without me, that the rest of the summer is quiet, there are no bookings,  but that i must go to Mykines before I leave, you must go to Mykines she pleads. She says, I will come back early, book a ticket for you today for you must go to Mykines, dont you want to? I say I would like to, but it's more important right now for me to leave, I cannot spend the summer here, I need to be free. I say that if I stay, I am afraid that I will still feel trapped, beholden and not be able to leave easily or plan trips away. The balance has shifted, I feel clear. I have had time to prepare for this, for her it comes as a complete surprise.

The critical thing, I explain, is that i dont trust you. I say that if i go, I will be able to return, and if there is a chance to visit Mykines then I will do so, but for now, I need to go. She asks of my plans and I tell her I want to visit Sudøroy but don't go into any details.

After dropping her at the ferry, I return to the guesthouse, my new home, and fiddle faff around for an hour before driving to check out the first hostel I have chosen to stay at, and then to go on to Gjødv

Faeroes

Wind
Westerly or northwesterly 5 or 6, becoming variable 4, then becoming easterly 5 or 6 later.
Sea state
Moderate.
Weather
Rain at times.
Visibility
Good, occasionally moderate.